Setting: workshop
Length: 1:01:55
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Occasion: This is a marriage workshop done for a church where I have a consulting relationship.
As you listen, select, copy, and paste the following outline:
-self-inventory is the beginning of conflict resolution
"Pop-quiz" Self Inventory, part 1 (available at actual workshops)
-the relationship between the 2 workshops: communication and conflict resolution
Communication is the key to building a relationship
Biblical peacemaking principles are the keys to restoring the relationship
Review of Part 1: Understanding Conflict
Introduction: What is conflict?
1. Internal issues
2. External issues
3. Suffering of the “innocent”:
Understanding internal conflict
Galatians 5:16-17
* click sermon on Gal.5 entitled: "The Biology of Sin"
Genesis 4:6-7
Understanding external conflict
Luke 6:45
-selfishness – some say this is the greatest problem in marriage
-our unmet expectations
-James 4:1
-the inevitability of conflict
* Genesis 3:16 is further explained in the following sermon; click: "Making the First Move"
-philosophical and stylistic conflicts
-Clash of spiritual differences
-clash of personalities, styles and preferences
Understanding the Suffering of the “innocent”:
Our Responses to Conflict
“Peacemaking for Families” A Biblical Guide to Managing Conflict in Your Home
The Peace Maker: A Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
Sinful Responses
-Escape responses (Peace Faking)
Denial
Flight
Suicide
Attack Responses (Peace-Breaking)
Assault
Litigation
Murder
Control and Manipulation
Gossip and Slander
Biblical Responses
Personal Responses
My goal in life
My introspection (self inventory)
ask God to help you in the introspection
-self-examination is the beginning of the peacemaking process
-there are 5 steps in introspection1. Recognize your habits of sin
2. Check your motives
3. Commit to make peace regardless of how you feel* this point is elaborated in a sermon on obedience and feelings.
Click: Feelings and Obedience, Luke 17:3-10
4. List the people you have sinned against
-prepare to accept the consequences
5. Formulate your strategy for making peace
Part 2: Personal Strategy
-what you do by yourself and your spouse
-privacy is important
Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
-so, the focus here is between you and your spouse
-once the introspection is done, you are ready to deal with the actual situation before you
7 Personal Strategies
1. Assess your internal situation: cover or don’t cover
-obviously, this does NOT apply if you are the offender
-this step applies to you if you are the offended
-the offended spouse can choose to cover the offense in love
-1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Prov.19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
Prov.12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Prov.17:14 Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out
-cover it if you can
-don’t cover it…
2. Assess the external situation: answer or don’t answer
Proverbs 26:4-5
4 Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
you will be like him yourself.
5 Answer a fool according to his folly,
or he will be wise in his own eyes.
-why are their conflicting Proverbs placed next to each other?
-well, this is very common in real life
-we allow for conflicting words of wisdom to co-exist
-for example: look before you leap vs. strike while the iron is hot
-one tells you to think twice and be cautious before you decide what to do
-the other tells you to jump quickly at the opportunity before it is gone
-we have no problem is allowing contradictory words of wisdom to exist….why?
-because it depends on the situation
-BOTH are true but it depends on the situation
-so, we need wisdom to know which one to apply in what situation
-and so, it is with God’s Word, BOTH are true in Proverbs 26:4-5 but God’s wisdom is needed to know which one to apply
-click: a separate workshop on wisdom and t iming in communication
-once you determine that a response is necessary, then you are ready for the next one
3. Determine to make the first move
Matthew 5:23-24
23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,
24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24
-now you might ask, “why”
-because He always makes the first move
-click: separate workshop on “Making the First Move”
4. Find the right time to speak
-click: a separate workshop on wisdom and t iming in communication
* When communicating, the content must match the context
The content can be right, but the context can be wrong.
Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. NIV
-see that phrase: “according to their needs”?
-I like how the NAS…the New American Standard translates it that phrase
NAS Eph.4:29 “…according to the need of the moment…”
-click: a separate workshop on wisdom and t iming in communication
5. Confess your own sins
-the secret to a long and happy marriage
1. glass of whiskey
2. glass of sherry
3. the word “sorry”
Proverbs 18:19
An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city,
and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.
Proverbs 28:13
He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy
-make your confession specific
-and don’t generalize
-add empathy to your confession
Proverbs 13:10 Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice
6. Talk through what forgiveness is
Forgiveness is NOT
-a feeling
-forgetting
-minimizing
-Forgiveness is a commitment to do 4 things
1. I will not bring it up to myself ever again
2. I will not bring it up to you ever again
3. I will treat you as if it never happened
4. I will not talk to others about it
Ken Sande: “Christians are the most forgiven people in the world, we should be the most forgiving people in the world…
Recording stopped
The rest will be recorded soon
7. Propose a clear plan for resolution to your spouse
a. Focus on the problem and not the person
b. Identify the corresponding opposite of that sin
c. Make a plan to practice the new godly action
d. Establish accountability with your spouse
e. Initiate future meetings if necessary
Public Strategy
1. Individual Counseling
Proverbs 18:17 The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.
Prov.13:10 Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
2. Joint Counseling
3. Church discipline
You just listened to part 2, click for part 1:
Workshops on Conflict Resolution and Communication Breakdown should be studied together.
You will find a great deal of overlap between them.
Check out these related topics:
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