Setting: Workshop
Length: 1:15:45
Audio starts automatically. You can follow along with the notes.
Downloading instructions are below.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Occasion: This is a marriage workshop done for a local church.
Title: Sexual Conflicts in Marriage: Understanding the Problem and Pursuing a Solution
Scriptures: topical
As you listen, select, copy, and paste the following outline:
Sexual Conflicts Inventory Checklist
Check the ones that apply to you personally
___ We don’t talk about sex
___ I make excuses not to have sex
___ I have a negative attitude towards sex
___ I have an egocentric approach to sex
___ I don’t like my spouse and don’t want to have sex
___ I can’t have sex until certain issues are resolved
___ My partner’s selfish approach is affecting me
___ My past is haunting my present sex life
___ I use sex to “control” my partner
___ I don’t have time for sex
___ I am too tired to have sex
___ There is no private time for us to have sex
___ I don’t think about sex that much
___ I don’t “need” sex
___ I am not satisfied with the amount of sex – not enough
___ I have lost interest in sex
___ I think sex is dirty
___ I don’t know much about sex
___ I have a hard time enjoying sex
___ My partner does not how to please me
___ I have physical challenges that are hindrances
___ My body image is hindering my experience
___ My expectations are driving me crazy
___ My partners expectations are driving me crazy
___ I can’t understand why my partner thinks that way
___ My partner’s hygiene is a real turn-off
___ Our different approaches are hurting the experiences
___ The different levels of desire is hurting the relationship
___ Our experiences are infrequent and disappearing
___ Our sex is spontaneous. There is no scheduling involved
___ Sex is a low priority for me
___ Our sex is routine and boring…with little passion or creativity
___ There is no emotional or spiritual connection when we have sex
___ I am not sure what the Bible says about sex
___ I am very discouraged and even losing hope
Understanding the Problem
1. Allowing the gender differences to become a source of ______________
a. NOT ________________ the differences
Gender Differences in Sexuality |
||
|
Women |
Men |
Perspective |
|
|
Approach |
|
|
Physical Desire |
|
|
Prep Time |
|
|
Thinking about it |
|
|
Unresolved Issues |
|
|
b. Assuming that your approach is _____________
-that you are right and your spouse is wrong in thinking that way
-assuming the other person is wired just like you
-expecting the other person to be wired just like you
-expectations will kill you
c. NOT communicating and seeking a _______________
-people usually sit on their problems
-which leads to bitterness
-bitterness is the result of unresolved issues
-how sin grows
2. Allowing the gender differences to lead to _______________________
-this is one of the greatest problems
-a loss of hope that things will get better
-settling down on an opinion of the relationship and finding no hope
3. Allowing my _____________ to affect my experience
a. Allowing your __________ to affect your present
1. perspectives and attitudes from others
a. parents – their thoughts, teachings, how they interacted
b. peers
c. yourself…how you thought about sex
2. your past experiences
3. any past problems
a. abuse
b. experiences
-creating guilt and shame
4. sheer lack of understanding
-grew up in an ultra conservative environment where no one talked about it because it was awkward or dirty
-no knowledge of it
b. My ___________ challenges
1. sex after having children
-there is an adjustment period
-reduced sex drive
2. body changes affected by
a. career pursuits (exhausting…working all day)
b. getting older
c. gaining weight (body image issues)
3. Sexual dysfunctions
a. sex is painful
b. premature ejaculation
c. ED
d. etc.
4. Allowing my _____________ challenges affect the experience
a. Unresolved issues keeping you away
b. Using sex as a bargaining chip
-withholding sex in order to get what you want from your partner
-a form of control
-usually done by the woman who does not need it as much as so she controls her husband by regulating the frequency
-she wants her husband to do something and so she withholds until he does it
Pursuing a Solution
1. Understand and accept the _________________
-these differences are a great mystery
-that women have a better relational approach and lack the physical drive
-that men have a greater physical drive and lack the relational approach
-the different set of physical settings, hormonal balance, physical differences
-all this is a mystery in that we don’t know why God made us so different
-there are many things that are reality and we don’t know why
-but we must accept the mystery
-and part of accepting the mystery is recognize the big picture
-that God has called us to complement one other
-that 2 different individuals are united and bring something completely different to the table
-understand and accept the different physiological makeups
-the woman’s body is different from the man’s
-her skin sensations are different from the man’s
-pleasures a very different
-areas of the body that bring pleasure are very different
-learn about sex
-there are sex books written by Christians
-not all are good but they contain helpful insights
2. Understand and apply the basic ____________ principles
-this can be a separate seminar unto itself
-here, it is just a rapid fire list
-the fact that the church is not teaching this is a serious problem
a. Check your _____________ about sex
-it is a gift from God
-because of all the distortions, some think it is intrinsically evil
-and because the church has stayed away from the topic, it has become an awkward topic
-it is something to be enjoyed and not just for procreation
-not just procreation but recreation (enjoyment)
b. Express physical, emotional, spiritual ___________ through your experience
i.e. Gen.4: 1 (KJV)
Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain
-the original Hebrew word “know”
-intimacy must be there
-a relational approach
-in this sense, the woman is more naturally aware
-the man is too ready to have sex without understanding it’s profound nature
-so, sex is just not intercourse
-some husbands think that the only way his wife will be satisfied is through climax but it is the intimacy and affection…
-the need for emotional and spiritual intimacy
-the need for focus as you share this experience
-i.e. even Bible is not effective if you are not focused
-i.e. husbands are usually too quick to go into intercourse
-there is little foreplay or expressions of intimacy
-he appears selfish and out for himself
-and so, the experience leaves the woman feeling used
-over time, the wife can become very angry and bitter and avoid sex
-the man will not understand and the problem compounds
-The man needs to slow down and express unity and give the woman a chance to warm up to him
-there is also the problem of men knowing the need for intimacy but refusing to do it
-out of fear or rebellion….but the man needs to repent of this
c. Make it your ___________ to have sex
-sex is not just permitted, but it is commanded
-most think that when you get married, that God allows you to have sex
-like coffee: when you are young you are not allowed to drink coffee
-so, you wait and wait….and think…when I get older, I will be allowed to drink coffee and when that day arrives, there is major celebration!
-it’s not just allowed, it is a command and if you don’t have sex, then you are sinning against God!
-1 Cor.7:3-5
-knowing that your body belongs to your partner
* just by applying this principle will solve most problems
* related biblical principle: more blessed to give than to receive
-giving is the goal – this is the PRIMARY GOAL of sex
-to please your partner
-Acts 20:35: it is more blessed to give than to receive
-this is love…giving to the other person
-there are Christian (!) sex books that encourage going after what you want because the other person does not know what you want – this is unbiblical
-giving to the other person involves communication
-to find out what the other person wants
d. Do it _______________ !
1 Cor. 7:5
-so, separate only for prayer!
-some people go on a permanent prayer mtg.!
-go to the mountains and pray and never come back
-this stands against sex being used as a bargaining chip to control your spouse
* deprive: original Greek – means to withhold or avoid through deceit and dishonesty
-to say that you are tired when you are not
-to make any excuses when you know that your spouse has the desire
-deprivation is a sin because you are not fulfilling your responsibility
-and because you are treating your body as NOT belong to your partner but using it as your own tool for whatever purpose
-for some, the idea of frequent sex seems dirty
-they seem to have pride that they are not having sex regularly
-this is something to repent of…
-the woman who is hesitant
-the woman in control: getting lucky
-get lucky: the idea that the woman is the one who decides
-if she lets you, then you are lucky
-like a bodyguard at a night club
-she’s the praying mantis
-you carefully approach her to mate with her
-but be careful, because she might be in a bad mood and eat you….literally
-did you ever think of having to repent because you are not having sex?
e. Do it until you are ____________
-to the question of how much sex you should have, the biblical principle is the satisfaction principle
1 Cor. 7:5
-what if your spouse wants more sex but you don’t?
-you can have sex just to please your partner and not because you want to
-the biblical principle of doing things for the other person
-i.e. spending time talking to them even though you are busy and don’t want to
-i.e. fulfilling any responsibility that you don’t want to do but you do because you want to please your partner
-so, you can GIVE physical pleasure to your partner though you yourself are not “into it” or in the mood
-biblical principle: it is more blessed to GIVE than to receive
-if you are waiting until you have the urge, then are you not being sensitive to the needs of your partner
-i.e. knowing that your spouse is stressed, you can initiate sex as a way of relieving that stress. Your spouse will appreciate it.
-remember to consider the needs of the other before yourself
-no, it is not proper for the man to be selfish and demand sex all the time
* for satisfaction only: again, if you are doing it all the time, it is OK to do it without trying to reproduce
-the biblical principle of frequency: based on the satisfaction principle
-as long at the other person is satisfied
-so, 7:5 is not about a sex marathon or nonstop sex but the idea of sex satisfaction
* the satisfaction principle encourages ongoing development and creativity
-as time passes, sex can become routine and boring
-doing the same thing over and over again with no thought or passion can lead to boredom
-any ongoing routine is monotonous
-your partner can have nostalgic feelings of the good old days when sex was fun and exciting….now, it’s just a quickie and then go to bed
-like any other part of the relationship, it requires work and creativity
* how do you know you are satisfied?
-answer: when you can exercise self-control
-thinking about sex all the time is should not be written off as “just the way it is”
-it will lead to less productivity
-if you are thinking about it all the time, you may need more sex or there might be a more serious problem of addiction
-if you are constantly lusting over other women…or men…then you need more sex with your spouse
1 Cor. 7:9
-this passage speaks to the satisfaction principle
Proverbs 5:19
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
-if you are thinking of another woman’s breasts, then you need to visit your wife’s breasts
f. Do it to protect your marriage from ________________
1 Cor. 7:5
* notice in v.5 how sex is to keep your partner faithful
-there are too many temptations out there
-a partner who is not sexually fulfilled at home will begin to look elsewhere
-not just the man but even the woman
-and for the woman, it’s just not physical but the emotional connection that she craves
Proverbs 5:19
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
-not someone else’s breasts!
3. Change your _________________
a. Don’t _____________ your partner approaches sex the way you do
-we’ve talked about this
-the husband who gets hurt because the wife does not initiate
-well, she should try harder to initiate but she simply does not think of sex as much as you do
b. ______________ satisfaction in any given experience is a bonus
-simultaneous orgasm is a bonus
-you don’t have to walk away from the experience with both being satisfied
-that would be nice, but it is not a mandate
i.e. dinner
-it would be nice if both people enjoyed the dinner but that does not always happen and it’s ok
c. _________________ satisfaction is not the goal
-the biblical principle is always seeking the needs of the other person over your own
-try to submit yourself to the needs of the other person
4. _______________ is always the key
-usually done in the heat of the moment
-when someone is frustrated or pressured
-create a time for this, i.e. go out for dinner?
-that would be an interesting dinner conversation
-the high priority of sex for the man
* communicate expectations is really important
-don’t assume that all your expectations are biblical
-talk through them…question them and come to resolutions
-communicate what you like or dislike
i.e. a man can be rough and insensitive
-he can easily be selfish and go for what he wants and not treat his wife with respect and tenderness
-he can easily give the impression that he is just out for himself
-communicate the different physiological makeups
-the woman’s body is different from the man’s
-her skin sensations are different from the man’s
-pleasures a very different
-areas of the body that bring pleasure are very different
-communicate performance and inadequacy issues
-women can feel like failures if they are unable to be please partners
-men can feel the same way if their wives are not enjoying it as much as he is
-a man is real sensitive to his ability to please his wife
-male impotence problems are connected to insecurities
5. ______________ physical challenges
-go see a doctor
-check if your body is ok
-learn about sex
6. ________________ opportunities for regular sex
-phrase “get lucky”
-the man is ready but the woman is controlling the situation
-and if he is lucky, he will have sex
-it’s not about luck, it’s about scheduling
-like scheduling a meeting at work
-take out your blackberry and schedule it
-this becomes more pressing as you have children
-sex is a problem when children are in the house
-as they get older, they stay up late
-not like when they are young and they are snoring by 7:30
-soon, they are up until midnight doing their homework and they ask you to help them
-some find it hard to have sex with just the thought that children are in the house
-honey!!!! The kids will wake up!
-guys usually don’t care but the woman is always pushing him away
-always doing it at the end of the day….it’s midnight…the kids are asleep, you’ve done all your duties, do laundry at 11:30 at night, then you plop into bed and you are dead tired
-and your husband leans over to you…he smells because he doesn’t shower before bed…and you are grossed out
-2 ways
-set aside a time during the week when the kids are not there
-come home early from work
-or go to the bed room earlier, instead of staying up late to watch the news
-plan a getaway
-special occasion sex always works
-go on a special trip just for sex
-a date night: and go get a room!
Why?
-Because, the women needs time to prepare in her heart
-both can warm up and have expectations that are mutual
-usually involves the kids being baby sat and so, the worry and pressure is off
-this has a huge effect on the woman being able to relax
-allows for time for communication
Listen to the following relevant workshops:
Sexual conflict has overlap with concepts in the following workshops on conflict resolution, click:
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
To download
RIGHT click over the headphones and click "save target as"
Click back to sermons & presentations:
For more topics, click PT Writings:
For new releases, click the jukebox
